I don't know
I've come to a huge stand still in my life, I don't actually know what I'm doing.
I don't know what I want. Or I actually do, I just have nothing left in my heart to go out and get it anymore. I actually feel on a daily basis that I "don't want to be here anymore" but I don't even have the effort in that. Not that I want to kill myself or anything, but that it would be simply better, if I could just...hop out my body and just not exist for a while. Also not meaning to just disappear off social media or anything, because that only provides a temporary fix. ~I literally, just wish there was a exit button for life.
I find myself almost daily finding new passions, to finally finish my driving lessons, or to go back to college or to do my CBT test etc...to then go to bed, not having that passion anymore...even though all those things are exactly what I want. I want them, and I have no get up and go inside of me, to get shit done anymore.
I have friends, who believe in me. Most definitely. And more often than not, I find the smallest things to give myself a reason to find that I am no longer good enough. I have different friends, for different things. People to do nothing with, people to do something with, people for different situations, people who are just my internet people, etcetc, but I will still feel that I'm not worth it, or I don't give enough when I actually most probably give more than the other person. Why do I always put myself down?
I often find myself browsing, and asking myself why? Why do the idiots always get exactly, exactly what they want...or most of all get what they want, but they don't actually want what they have...and that it's just a 'something' in their life...just a time passer until they fuck that thing off for the next, just to provide a status for a relationship or a rank in their social life.
Then other people who are actually good good people, just get passed off and passed off every time.
The media is toxic, and I've come away from social media more and more as my realisation improves. I don't find satisfaction in posting a selfie anymore, or shit like that. I actually want to see people, and it's sad that people just don't want to do things any more. I do often feel lonely. Do people not feel fucking lonely behind a screen?
Meeting someone off a dating site for the first time this year, was an experience. While it may not have ended well or gone how I had hoped...it definitely showed me that...I need to have more time with people interaction, rather than...a screen.
And it gets so so much harder to meet people anymore. I want to enjoy going out with my friends and passing some intense eye contact from across the room, instead of arranging a date from Tinder and then avoiding them when you actually see them in person.
I feel like aside from that, that I know I'm young. But I also feel like I'm never going to fucking find anyone.
I always feel like I'm the one who receives the "oh, who's your friend, shes hot" kind of conversation. Every fucking time. I don't feel pretty. I haven't felt pretty in a long while. I don't remember the last time someone was genuinely head over heels for me. Actually...the only thing I remember is that people only want me for my pants. I hate being that object. When all I want is, adventures, holding hands, dinner dates, cute holidays, lazy mornings and doing shit together. Not even most of my friends want to do that...the friends that used to do things ..now barely do anything and I'm beginning to lose the passion in doing things alone because I want my partner in crime. Love or no love.
It sucks because, I actually have friends who I will try and tell them a bad thought I'm having. Having the courage to admit things, and I get empty words...When I need actual constructive advice, I'm endlessly giving advice, and sometimes in return, I don't feel like I receive the same, and that they're not actually bothered and they're just words, and at one point it worked...but that shit don't fly with me anymore. I need to see the same effort. I've stopped speaking out, about things that bother me.
I want so much, I have no heart in me.
I don't know what I want. Or I actually do, I just have nothing left in my heart to go out and get it anymore. I actually feel on a daily basis that I "don't want to be here anymore" but I don't even have the effort in that. Not that I want to kill myself or anything, but that it would be simply better, if I could just...hop out my body and just not exist for a while. Also not meaning to just disappear off social media or anything, because that only provides a temporary fix. ~I literally, just wish there was a exit button for life.
I find myself almost daily finding new passions, to finally finish my driving lessons, or to go back to college or to do my CBT test etc...to then go to bed, not having that passion anymore...even though all those things are exactly what I want. I want them, and I have no get up and go inside of me, to get shit done anymore.
I have friends, who believe in me. Most definitely. And more often than not, I find the smallest things to give myself a reason to find that I am no longer good enough. I have different friends, for different things. People to do nothing with, people to do something with, people for different situations, people who are just my internet people, etcetc, but I will still feel that I'm not worth it, or I don't give enough when I actually most probably give more than the other person. Why do I always put myself down?
I often find myself browsing, and asking myself why? Why do the idiots always get exactly, exactly what they want...or most of all get what they want, but they don't actually want what they have...and that it's just a 'something' in their life...just a time passer until they fuck that thing off for the next, just to provide a status for a relationship or a rank in their social life.
Then other people who are actually good good people, just get passed off and passed off every time.
The media is toxic, and I've come away from social media more and more as my realisation improves. I don't find satisfaction in posting a selfie anymore, or shit like that. I actually want to see people, and it's sad that people just don't want to do things any more. I do often feel lonely. Do people not feel fucking lonely behind a screen?
Meeting someone off a dating site for the first time this year, was an experience. While it may not have ended well or gone how I had hoped...it definitely showed me that...I need to have more time with people interaction, rather than...a screen.
And it gets so so much harder to meet people anymore. I want to enjoy going out with my friends and passing some intense eye contact from across the room, instead of arranging a date from Tinder and then avoiding them when you actually see them in person.
I feel like aside from that, that I know I'm young. But I also feel like I'm never going to fucking find anyone.
I always feel like I'm the one who receives the "oh, who's your friend, shes hot" kind of conversation. Every fucking time. I don't feel pretty. I haven't felt pretty in a long while. I don't remember the last time someone was genuinely head over heels for me. Actually...the only thing I remember is that people only want me for my pants. I hate being that object. When all I want is, adventures, holding hands, dinner dates, cute holidays, lazy mornings and doing shit together. Not even most of my friends want to do that...the friends that used to do things ..now barely do anything and I'm beginning to lose the passion in doing things alone because I want my partner in crime. Love or no love.
It sucks because, I actually have friends who I will try and tell them a bad thought I'm having. Having the courage to admit things, and I get empty words...When I need actual constructive advice, I'm endlessly giving advice, and sometimes in return, I don't feel like I receive the same, and that they're not actually bothered and they're just words, and at one point it worked...but that shit don't fly with me anymore. I need to see the same effort. I've stopped speaking out, about things that bother me.
I want so much, I have no heart in me.
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